The next thing you’re going to read is a recent diary entry of mine, after struggling with myself for weeks. I felt a lack of enthusiasm, was frustrated because I couldn’t think of anything other than watching YouTube videos in my spare time and so on. I made many attempts to understand what was going on. Am I sure now that I solved all my problems in one go? Of course not, but I do think it’s a step in the right direction. That’s why I think it’s worth sharing this story. Maybe there is something in my story that can help you to overcome your obstacles. Here’s my entire diary entry from start to finish. This is how my brain with giftedness and dyslexia functions.
I still can’t deal with the fact that I have bad internet and can’t watch my laptop all evening. I manage to do some puzzles or read a book, but then there is still so much time left. What am I supposed to do with that time? I do have an idea of what others are doing. Like reading a magazine or crafting, but that doesn’t hold my attention for long either. I find it frustrating that I can’t think of an alternative to the internet. Something that keeps my attention for more than half an hour. Just listening to something is not enough, then I also want to do something with my hands. Reading for too long is simply difficult if it is not very easily written, but then it also has to be interesting.
If I’m going to do something artistic, I can’t do it mindlessly. It’s really hard for me to figure out what to make. Then it also has to be right and I get frustrated and give up if it doesn’t work out the way I thought about it. Making doodles is something that is very complicated for me. Doing something thoughtlessly is impossible. I think about everything.
Now I’m trying to figure out what would work for me. (Pause where my mind wanders.) I thought I could take a topic and then think about it in detail. But I can cross that off again. I have the idea that I am continuously looking to improve myself in vain, only to fall back into my old patterns just as hard.
How much have I really changed since I lived in Sneek in 2010?
I personally think that I have gone backwards in terms of filling my free time. Then I sewed clothes, was busy beautifying my house. Ahhh, I see something. Those were constructive things. I wanted to make something, so I went to do it. Something I needed in my life. And now? I have nothing at all. My caravan is now in a state that I don’t want to change anything anymore, so there is simply nothing to do. I think I cracked the code with this. That is why I am so looking forward to renovating or building a house myself. I want my hands to do something useful again. All the creative things I did didn’t matter. For me of course. That is why writing for others is such a nice activity. I reach someone with it.
Okay, so now I know where the crux is for me. Not going to do something creative with my hands, but something creative with my hands for a useful result. But how can I start with that tomorrow? What do I need? Or what does someone else need that I can enjoy making? Maybe in my family or in my group of friends.
Is everything solved now? Certainly not. At the moment, just after my vacation, I am busy enough with all kinds of things that need to be done. But now I know exactly what to think about when I have free time to fill up soon. I like that I know better and better how I am pieced together and how I can help myself to be successful.