In conflict with myself

Lees in het Nederlands

Over the last few years I’ve been trying to see where and how I can make a difference in this world. Recently this has been flaring up to boiling point, resulting in my experiment to shut out the news for 4 weeks. As I was writing recently I came to a bit more insight into my personal situation.

The feeling that I cannot do enough and that more people should listen to me is partly due to my frustration that I am here in the Netherlands. I was so mentally prepared to be away for a long time with the possible hope of finding a new path or direction somewhere along the way. For example in outdoor or nature work. I guess I was hoping I would end up in something where I could make a difference. Instead, I am stuck in this average world that now seems almost impossible to escape. Of course it is not. But I feel the world we live in has never been so unstable. I do know that the plans I have are still going to happen. But I have been looking forward to my departure for almost a year and now there is no new departure date.

I am in a conflict with myself.

Because indeed, I would love to go out on my adventure. On facebook I see friends who are now having nice holidays or carrying out other big plans. On the other hand, I really like this new job I found. I enjoy everything I learn there. I have great colleagues. I want to give this job a real chance because who knows what it will bring me in the future.

Recently I was watching a series of videos online about two guys in Australia who jet skied from Sidney to Cairns to raise mental health awareness. One of the guys said that he was determined to finish this. Because he always did everything half way. So a big win for him. It also evoked something in me. But when I think about it, I have finished more than enough, but never with the full 100% effort. I think it’s important to commit to something and really go for it 100%. I just haven’t figured out where I really want to go. In any case, it is not this job. I really like it at the moment, it’s not the problem. But it is not my passion. That is the outdoor, nature.

I have not yet found something that could really be my job. With my trip I might have hoped that I would find it along the way. But that will never happen, of course. The moment I have a real goal for my trip, I have the chance that it will work out. But only if I really use my opportunities. Talk to people. Whining and peddling for work. No hoping of them coming to ask me. That just doesn’t happen.

I really have to let go of my fear of me annoying others.

Time and time again I think people find me annoying and every time I hear that this is not the case. Taking the feelings of others less into account is really allowed. I want to fight for what I really want. Don’t run away from the first bit of resistance I feel.

All I have to do now is decide where I want to go. Which of all those things I like is really worth giving that full 100% effort. It’s clear. I’m going to set a goal and work towards that. A goal that is achievable for me and that suits me. With sufficient physical and mental challenge for me.

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